So today was her birthday and I planned on coming home at five to celebrate with her, and she expected me to come at five. But some difficulties occurred with my boss and a networking system (I'm a computer engineer) and my co-workers and I all stayed for an extra hour or two. I called my wife and told her I would be coming home a bit later. She said: Okay. Whatever.
So I took that as a sign that it would be okay for me to come home later than planned. I tried getting home as fast as I could, but there was traffic and the conflict with the network took quite a while.
I come home at about eight fifteen and then for some reason, she's all upset with me and won't talk to me or even touch me. I come in through the door and she's watching tv. I greet her and tell her Happy Birthday for the twentieth time that day. She continues staring at the tv screen and says: Whatever.
So I go sit down next to her, ask her what's wrong and she doesn't answer. I try giving her a hug and kiss but she pushes me away. I then ask her why she's upset with me in a peaceful gentle voice. I didn't have any intentions on starting a fight.
She answers: There's no point in answering since it's not like you care or anything.
I tell her that I do care about her and that I really love her and that it hurts when someone I love tells me that. She hurls some other insults at me about being a jerk and how her ex's wouldn't have done this to her.
I get a bit frustrated and irritated because it's not like I came home late on purpose or anything. So I start yelling back and pretty soon, we're having an intense shouting match on who can throw which insults harder. I have tried to resolve this peacefully but she wouldn't stop.
After asking her once more what I did wrong and what her problem was, she started crying and ran to our room and locked herself in there. I have tried and tried to get her to open the door but she won't. I have apologized through the door but she doesn't accept them. I have tried to slide a note under her door asking for forgiveness but she's not even looking at it. What am I supposed to do? Was I wrong for coming home late? I wouldn't have stayed if she hadn't given me permission. I know it's her birthday and it's supposed to be “special”. But don't you think she's over-dramatizing? I have told her that I'd make tomorrow her birthday too for coming home a few hours late but she insisted that it “wasn't the same.” What do you think? What do you think I should do? Thanks.
You're in great luck, I was raised by computer engineers and I am a woman- I think I can translate this to you.
No, you didn't mean to come home late but you are focusing too much on your own point of veiw. Women *need* to be validated. It's how you keep them. Women *need* to -always- feel good about themselves. This is your job as a husband! She's in a world where there is a whole lot of pressure to be skinny, pretty, and rich. You may think she's too smart to fall for that- she may be smart; but it's still awful going into a store and walking out feeling like nothing fits. It makes you just feel like there is something wrong with you. She needs to know she's not failing you as your wife in a female-pride sense.
So when you don't show up on time from work (although it wasn't your intention) she's flustered! It's her birthday and all she wanted was to feel important enough to you that you would come home for work. But you weren't there. Yes- you've established that. There is nothing you can do about it but attempt to re-validate her self esteem- you shot a blow at it by not being at time (no, it isn't fair, relationships don't always have to be. ) Today was *HER* one day out of the year where there would be an extra excuse to validate her.
You are a computer engineer; I know you can be a bit socailly awkward, or not exactly most in-tune to most socail situations, Women are complicated creatures. This is what you do: Tell her you're super sorry for being late; you didn't mean to be, but you shouldn't have, it is her day, you should have found a way to get out of it or something (putting the blame on you helps- take one for the team, it's her birthday. Seriously, is who did what really that important? she crying on her birthday 🙁 ) Tell her you want her to look beautiful, get dressed-up, and then you're going to take her out. If she's into it; you got atleast 45 mintues to find somewhere on the town to take her. You're an engineer you have money. Never fail to stress how pretty she looks, and don't ever let her leave the room feeling unloved. Take a personal day off on her next day off to make it up to her. Spend the day with her- or let her take the day off and manage ALL her chores. It'd mean the world to her, and honestly the more work you put into a relationship the more it will give back.